It's been 27 years since I lost my little angel, and until now, I have never thought about sharing her story. It was the only thing I had left of her, and I couldn't bear to share it with anyone. Well, I am currently in college going to be a social worker, and in my Human Service class, we have to go through the process of self-awareness. That's when I realized it was time for me to share Sunshine's story. I have to release the pain and sadness that I have kept locked up for all these years. Please bear with me, as in writing this, I know the tears shall fall like a river...
I got pregnant around the end of August 1989. Everything was going good in my pregnancy. I had already given birth to two boys who were both born healthy, so I didn't think I would have any serious problems with this pregnancy. I was wrong! In the beginning of November, I was watching a movie with my husband at the time, and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. And then the unthinkable...my water bag started leaking. I was rushed to the hospital in my home town, and then rushed to South Bend because they had a NICU unit. They were able to stop my labor with medication, and I was sent home a couple days later. Once home, I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy...little did we know our little angel would soon be coming. About 2 weeks after I was released from the hospital, I was again started having contractions, and again, my water bag started leaking again. I was devastated. Once again I was rushed to South Bend. Once there, they put me on monitors, and told me they couldn't stop the contractions, so if I became fully dilated, then I would have to deliver. On the early morning of Friday, December 1, 1989, I was rushed into delivery and gave birth to a 1 lb. 5 oz. baby girl. I was devastated. I wanted my baby to be healthy, and she wasn't. She was fighting to stay alive. I felt helpless...I wanted to hold my baby in my arms and help her find the strength to hold on and fight, but I couldn't. She was rushed to the NICU and stayed there for another 111 days. That was the day my world crashed. It was a very snowy day, and I had called the hospital numerous times throughout the day to check on my daughter. The nurses assured me she was doing well. Her oxygen levels were steady, and she was having a good day. We had planned on going up there that evening when my husband got off work. Before we left for the hospital, I called the hospital one last time, and talked with Sunshine's doctor. He said her vitals were good, and that with the weather conditions, maybe we should just come up in the morning when the roads were clear. I hung up the phone, and we debated on going, and then I just felt this tugging in my chest, and insisted that we drive to South Bend that night. And so we did.
This is the hardest part.....Me, my husband, my cousin Sue and her husband at the time, drove to South Bend, and when we arrived at the NICU, the doctor meet us at the door, and I just knew something was wrong. He told us that he was glad we didn’t take his advice, because my daughter would not live throughout the night. I was speechless, and I took off running. I didn't know where I was going, I just wanted to get as far away from those words as I could. My cousin found me, and took me back to the NICU. They asked us if we wanted to hold her one last time (our first time was our last time). I still remember sitting in that hard wooden rocking chair, holding my precious little girl, and then she took in her last breath, and went to sleep forever. The doctor pronounced her dead in my arms. I didn’t believe it....she couldn’t be gone, I had just felt her breathing, I felt the warmness of her body in my arms still. My world came to a standstill....what was I supposed to do? Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong in my pregnancy? All those questions and more came rushing through my mind.
How could God be so mean? I hated God. I didn't know why he took my baby girl from me. The next couple of days were a blur for me, and then came the day that I would have to bury my child. I still remember standing by her gravesite, and as they lowered the casket, I just lost it. I dropped to my knees and cried. I didn’t want to leave my daughter in a hole in the ground. What if it got real cold at night? Who was going to keep her warm? I sank into a deep depression that lasted until after the birth of my last son in 1991. Today, I still have so much pain and emptiness in my heart. I feel cheated! I never got to do the things that a mother and daughter do together. I never got to see her take her first step, her first smile, her first word....I never get to talk to her about her first crush, her first kiss, her first date...we didn’t get to share the memories of prom, and I never get to see her walk down the aisle and get married. All the firsts are now gone. It's been 23 years, and there are some days that I just can't stop thinking about her, and even wonder what she would look like today if she would still be with us. I'm taking it day by day, and I talk about her more now, but I still find myself fighting back the tears when I mention her name. I’m learning new ways to deal with the grieving process, and in time, I would like to be able to help others that have lost children. I hope my daughter’s story helps someone get through at least one day. We have to remember, that we are here for each other, and it's ok to still cry for our babies. I love and miss you every single minute of every single day my sweet ray of Sunshine